To Be Numb
by beautifullytwiztid
Summary: PTSD made Hermione hide in plain sight from the Wizarding World, drugs gave here a reason to stay there.
1. Chapter 1

Authors note- I write from personal life experiences and decided to turn some of it into a fanfic. Writing, and art are my escapes from depression since getting sober. All mistakes are my own, I am the only one who over sees the stories, no beta or anything, so sorry if things aren't perfect. Like I said this is my escape, and I just now decided to publish something. I can't guarantee updates will be on time, but I will update as soon as a chapter is done. Oh and I don't own this shit, or make profits, disclaimer blah blah. :) Rated M for language, drug use, and talks about self harm, and future chapters. Enjoy.

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A small, dingy one bedroom one bathroom flat above what looked like the front of a whore house, or an unattractive locals only pub in the middle of Knockturn Alley. In the small living room of the flat sat a cardboard box with a square piece of glass acting as a make shift coffee table. Next to that was a 70's style, mustard yellow torn up couch, on it sat a thin woman bent over the coffee table snorting loudly a few times. After all the white lines were making their way through her system she laid her head back, staring at the ceiling enjoying her high.

 _Beep, beep, beep._

"Fuck!" She got up in a hurry at the sound of her alarm letting her know she needed to get ready for work. Tossing her stained white tee to the side, grabbing a black corset tank top, quickly putting it on. She starred at a mirror adjusting her cleavage. "Perfect." She grabbed her dark wash jean shorts, pulled them on over her red lace thong. "I cannot be fucking late again, where the hell are my boots!" She yelled out loud in her empty flat. Rummaging around her things she found her faux combat boots, and slipped them on with ease. She grabbed her wand, small beaded bag, and her cloak. She warded her flat, through her cloak on a went for the door. Just as she went to turn the door handle, she grabbed a chunky cross necklace and put it around her neck. Throwing the hood of her cloak, she walked out of her flat and ran down the alley.

She made her way out of Knockturn Alley, and into Diagon Alley, crowded with families shopping for the start of the new school year. Smiling happy faces being shoved out of the way without so much as a sorry from the speedy witch. As she retreated from the crowd and made her way out of the alley, and into muggle London, a pair of stern black eyes followed her.

 _"Miss Granger?"_ Severus Snape starred in shock. Quickly regaining his composure he went after to follow her. As he made up ground and almost caught up to her, she was gone in a blink of an eye. Reacting quickly he casted a tracking spell at the place she was last seen at, it quickly picked her presence and melted the coordinates in his brain. He smirked knowing exactly where she was, and he was gone just as quickly.

Hermione walked into the muggle bar, White Horse, smiled and said hello to Sean the bouncer. Walking past the bar Kaitlyn yelled for her to grab two cases from the back, on her way back up. She kindly agreed. Hermione made her way to her locker in the staff room, through her belongings in, readjusted her cleavage and grabbed the boxes making her way to the bar.

"You're late, again!" Kaitlyn told her taking one of the boxes.

"Only a minute or two, I'm sorry it's been chaotic where I'm at." She replied while clocking in.

"I can't always make up an excuse for you, but to make it up to me, you can take my Sunday night shift." Kaitlyn said with a pleading grin.

"Yeah, of course. Sam didn't give you it off?"

Kaitlyn rolled her eyes, "No, he'll let me switch shifts on our busiest nights but won't let me go on our slowest. He's losing his damn mind."

Hermione laughed at this, enjoying the banter between her and her co-worker. Kaitlyn was thin in the waste, round in the bum and breast department, and had blonde platinum hair falling down her back. Her eyes were perfectly ice blue. She was sweet, but stern, and Hermione could always trust her for anything. They continued setting up the bar for the upcoming shift. Thursday nights weren't busy, but not completely dead either.

A muggle clothed Severus walked through the doors and sat at the bar, and ordered a lager from Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn poured the beer quickly and handed it to him with her 'big tips smile'.

"Hey girl, can I get a bump before the suits come in?" Kaitlyn asked Hermione.

"Yeah, I haven't re-upped yet so don't be too greedy." She responded while taking off her cross necklace and handing it to Kaitlyn. Severus listened, while appearing to watch a football that was playing on the tv behind the bar.

"Thanks girl." Kaitlyn walked to the bathroom. Hermione grabbed a bottle of fire whisky she kept stashed for people she knew were wizards, she poured two shot glasses full, and placed one in front a Snape. He looked up at her, and they made real eye contact for the first time since he came in.

"It's on me." She smiled at him, and held her shot glass up towards him, waiting for a cheers. They clanked their glasses and shot the liquid back. It burned all the way down until the pit of their stomachs, but Hermione loved it. She looked at Snape again, smiled softly. He looked at her as stoney as a statue.

"Why are you here, Professor? Shouldn't you be getting ready for classes?" She asked him curiously as she poured two more shots of fire whisky.

"I'm just having a beer, is that a-"

"Oh rubbish, don't try to play this bull shit game with me. Why did you follow me?

"Miss Granger, for someone who acts so formal to a prior teacher, you are quick to drop the facade." He smirked at her, "Besides, I don't teach anymore, so please Severus."

"Very well, Severus, why did you follow me?" She asked again. Kaitlyn made her way back behind the bar, handing Hermione her cross. She gave her a questioning look but Hermione waved her off, and she went to helping a couple that walked in.

"I did not-"

"Please don't lie to me, I saw you at the apothecary in Diagon Alley. I know you saw me, and I know you followed me. No one knows I work here, or where to find me. Please, who put you up to following me?" She asked pleading look in her eyes.

She finally took the second shot she had poured, as did he.

"No body, Ms. Granger. You have my word I won't tell anyone. I was just curious why one of the golden trio members would be walking out of Knockturn Alley."

"That's a little too personal. I like to be wine and dined first." She said with a laugh and winked at him. He stared at her plump lips, shaking his head.

"Nobody has seen or heard from you in over a year, why?"

She shrugged. "Needed a break from everything, I guess."

"Now who's lying, Hermione." He raised an eyebrow at her, saying her first name for the first time ever. She held back a small shiver that hearing it caused.

"Look, sir, it's been swell seeing you, but I need to cater to other patrons, the ones who will tip me well enough to make rent easier this month. Feel free to hang out, but this conversation is over." She smiled at him pouring him and herself one more shot of fire whiskey. "I really am glad you came out of the war well, seeing you almost die tore my heart up." With that she went around the bar taking a drink to other patrons sitting at the high top tables.

He watched her casually, admiring how much she had grown. Making note of her numerous times she would sniff or rub her nose, he noticed the scars on her shoulders, and hands from the war, then he notices a few razor thin scars on her wrist. _Something's not right with her._

He asked Kaitlyn for the bill, paid his tab, and left separate tips for the two pretty girls behind the bar. He said his thanks, and started to walk out the bar, as he passed by the table Hermione was at, he noticed the man rubbing her bum she took their order. His blood started to boil, he had to leave immediately before he did something he'd regret.

Hermione saw out of the corner of her eye he left, releasing a breath she didn't realize she was holding. She took the gentleman's order and went back to the bar to fulfill it. Hours passed, and the bar stayed pretty even through out the night. Finally closing came, Sean locked the front doors and took a seat at the bar, in front of the two girls. They finished their cleaning, and pulled out three bottles of beer.

"Hey H, who was that guy you were talking to at the bar?" Sean asked her after taking a much need drink of his beer.

"My old teacher, I guess he moved to the area." She shrugged it off, taking a long sip.

"He was very interested in you, by the way he was looking at you while leaving you'd think it was an ex of yours." Kaitlyn said, Sean nodded in agreeance.

"Really? Cause he's definitely not an ex." She laughed at that thought. Handsome yes he was, but still it's Professor Snape, she could never actually see him like that.

Hermione took off her cross, unscrewed the top pulling out a little spoon with white powder. She put it to her nose and snorted. Passing it to Kaitlyn, and then to Sean they all shared a few snorts.

"Why'd you give him some of that special whiskey you have? Is he from your past?" Kaitlyn asked curiously.

Hermione steeled up for a moment, "yeah he was one of my teachers there."

"Why did you leave that world?" Sean asked.

Hermione told them the truth after working with them for six months, they were her only friends, and she trusted them with everything. They didn't believe it at first, but once she pulled her wand out and showed them both a few simple spells they believed her instantly. They knew to not talk about it unless it was them three, and not to talk about it without her there. She enjoyed having friends that didn't fully know her past, and didn't judge her for what she did, or what happened to her.

"I needed a break, I'm still in it. My flat is in it, and I still shop there. I just don't like to keep in contact anymore, or fully immerse myself in that world anymore. Too much happened my short time there."

"Oh! I completely forgot your friend left you this." Kaitlyn handed her a white envelope. She opened it and saw 400 pounds and a letter in it. "He's a great tipper, he can come by any shift." Kaitlyn said with a laugh. Hermione ignored her and opened the letter.

 _"Hermione,_

 _Take care of yourself, the wizarding world is always here for you._

 _Severus"_

She rolled her eyes, "He's trying to get me to come back, fully."

"Why?" Sean asked.

"Because I was labeled the brightest witch of our time, and apparently it doesn't look good if I just up and left."

Kaitlyn snorted, "that's adorable."

"Shut it bitch, or you won't get anymore free bumps at work." Hermione laughed at her friend.

"Alright ladies, let's go home. I'll see you two tomorrow. Have a good night dolls." Sean said walking them to the door. They double checked the door, took the trash from the day to the dump and went their separate ways.

Hermione made a detour picking up her weekly package. She made her way into Diagon Alley around 4:30 in the morning, no body was there, so she didn't feel rushed. Little did she know a disillusioned Severus was waiting for her, he followed her into Knockturn Alley, and saw her go up to her flat. _Gotcha._

He saw her walk in to an upstairs flat, waiting a few minutes he went up to her front door, and knocked. A disgruntled Hermione opened the door. "The fuck do you-" She stopped when she saw who was at her door. She stared shell shocked at Severus.


	2. Chapter 2

_Okay, so disclaimer, and explanation are on chapter one. Here's two. Hopefully have three up this week._

 _Warning** Self-Harm actions coming. I should basically put a trigger warning on every chapter. Okay. Tis all._

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 _A disgruntled Hermione opened the door. "The fuck do you-" She stopped when she saw who was at her door. She stared shell shocked at Severus._

Hermione continued staring, her mouth agape. Severus looked past her and saw the dingy flat she called a home. Hermione catching it she pushed him further on the entry way. She shut the door behind her, crossed her arms across her chest and stared up at him. Rage clearly flowing from her, "What the fuck are you doing here, Severus!" she whisper yelled at him.

"Can we not talk inside?" He spat back.

"No!" She looked up at him, slowly mulled the thought over. _Snape is the one person who could understand privacy. He wouldn't say anything._ "Fine, but you better explain the second we step foot through the door." He nodded in agreement. She went to her door flicked her wand as she cracked it open, simultaneously dropping her wards and hiding the mess of her life. Fully pulling the door open she stepped aside to allow him access. He stepped in, and walked around, not yet noticing anything out of the normal. He turned towards her and watched as she finished setting her wards. He felt her magic wash over the drab flat. "Isn't that a little much?" He asked.

"Surely someone like yourself understands ones want or need for privacy." She said slightly bitterly. "Now explain, why you followed and waited for me? And who put you up to this."

"I saw you running through Diagon Alley, seeing as nobody has seen or heard from you in over a year, I was curious." He drawled out. "No body sent me." He lied.

"Now answer why you waited for me to return to Diagon Alley." She said still not letting him think she was nothing more than bored with the conversation.

He sighed slowly, dropping himself to sit on her pitiful excuse of a couch. "I didn't fully wait, I placed a temporary tracking charm on you when leaving that _lovely_ pub you work at." She glared, and turned every shade of red from pure anger. He cut in before she could say anything, "keep your trap shut I only did it because I was concerned. You look like you barely eat, you drink like a fish, and you have some curious scars on your wrist, some of which don't look that old. Now Miss Granger, care to do the talking now." He put on a voice that was a mixture of true concern, anger and slight disappointment.

She looked around for a possible way to eject him from her apartment and pretend this never happened, but she new he was too good with a wand. It was her turn to sigh. "Professor, and to think we were on a first name basis." She said with a laugh, trying to prolong her explanation.

"Quit trying to get around this, just explain what is going on with you, Hermione."

There it was again, that shiver down her spine that she was having a hard time to repress. _Why was him using my goddamn name causing this effect on her._ She sighed again, "Some of us have scars from the war… that aren't visible." She said as she came around her make-shift coffee table, dropping herself down slowly, sitting criss-cross. "I couldn't handle the things I saw, the things I did. The people I killed.

"I decided to remove myself from all of it. All the constant reminders of the fellow students, order members, staff members who were no longer there. The constant reminder of all the lives I took to keep my hide safe, I was so selfish I just watched some people die, just so my hiding spots weren't discovered at the time. I could've showed myself and let them escape, cause a distraction, something. But I didn't. I watched people I had spent numerous years with die." She said a slow tears slid down her cheek. Coming to realize this was the first time she had openly talked about it. Severus shifted his postion while she was talking, coming to sit next to her. She hadn't noticed.

"I saw Colin Creevey die, and I did nothing. He was nothing but nice to everyone and I watched him get played with like a rag doll, and ultimately hit with the killing curse. He called for help, but no one came, and I didn't move." Tears poured out her eyes now as she realized she was truly feeling emotions for the first time since she discovered the beauty of muggle drugs. Wanting nothing more than to be alone, numb he pain, and go to sleep before her shift later that day, she used her hand to wipe her tears and pushed herself up off the floor. Severus watched her in awe at how quickly she can shut off her emotions. She extended her arm to him, he took it and stood up. Standing a bit too close for her comfort she went to back up but hit the glass of her 'coffee table'. She looked at the floor feeling his eye burning into her head. "I think it's best if you left, and I'd appreciate it if you told no one where I was, or that you saw me. I like my privacy and I'd like to keep it that way." She said finally looking at him with not an ounce of her previous distress on her face.

"Hermione, you know I can help. If not me then Minerva, Mrs. Weasley, Potter. We are all here to help." He said trying to push as much understanding into his short statement.

She gave him a tight lip smile, "thanks, but I'm content with how I'm handling life now. I know it's pointless to tell you to stay away, so if you'd ever like to have a friendly chat, come to the pub. But no showing up at my flat."

He nodded, and started to walk towards the door. He felt the magic disappear as she dropped her wards. He turned towards her while she was standing with the door open, contemplation written all over his face, he through caution to the wind, walked up to her and and wrapped his arms around her tiny waist pulling her to his broad chest. She let of a small gasp from shock at what he was doing, and then noticed his smell. _Herbs from brewing. And of course that damn shudder._ Her hands on his chest as he spoke "You may be a know-it-all, and insufferable to teach, but you of all people do not deserve the torture your mind is causing you. I know you won't accept it, but there are people here for you, and if you need anything all of us are a floo away." He retracted his arms and pulled back. "I'll see you soon, Hermione." And with that he was gone. She immediately shut the door and put her wards in place.

Focusing on numbing herself again, she went to her table, flicked her wand and everything she needed appeared in front of her. She ripped open her package and laid the contents on the glass.

Unscrewing her cross, she filled it back up, as well as filling up three small glass containers full and put those in her beaded bag, then disappeared the rest of her cocaine to her hiding spot. She than focused on the small foil ball on the table, she summoned a half straw and a lighter. unraveling the foil, the black looking rock caught her eye. _Ah, Tar, I've missed you so much!_ She took the lighter and heated the foil underneath, taking the straw into her mouth, she slowly inhaled the vapors that were coming from the tar on the foil. Finishing up she vanished the evidence with a swipe of her wand and fumbled her way to bed.

Meanwhile on the street Severus conjured his doe patronus, said a quick message to meet as soon as possible at the Leaky Cauldron, and sent the doe off quickly. He made his way to the Leaky. He tipped his head to Tom as he cleaned up the bar, and made his way to the most private booth they offered. A bottle of fire whiskey and two glasses appeared on the table. Severus filled both glasses with two knuckles worth. The door opened and the man walked straight back to where Severus was sitting. He took his seat, "So you found her?" he said as he took the glass of fire whiskey.

Snape looked up into the emerald green eyes of Harry and nodded.

"Did you tell her we are worried, and want her to come back? How is she?" Severus held up his hand to stop the onslaught of questions.

"I can't explain how she is, because I don't know how to put it into words. Why didn't you come to me sooner?"

"We thought she needed to a break, we all did. We separated for a bit, she went to Australia, Ron went to play Quidditch, and I started Auror training. We started our lives for the first time. But we all kept in contact. She seemed fine through letters, and then they just stopped one day and no one could find anything. All owls sent were returned, no tracing spell worked, she had no floor records, nothing. It was like she disappeared without a trace. After training, I went to Australia to see if maybe she found her parents and stayed their with them. But no sign of her. I then found out her parents had died." This made Severus look up from the glass he was sloshing around. "Yeah, four months after she sent them off, they were traveling to New Zealand for the weekend, and the plane they were on vanished, only wreckage they found were seat cushions and pieces of the wings washed up on some beaches."

"That was what sent her over the edge." Severus responded to the news of her parents death.

"Edge? What are you talking about?"

"It's better if you see it for your self. Here's the pub she works at, she has a shift tomorrow." He sighed, already betraying what little trust she had left.

"Severus, you have no idea how glad I am you found her, I almost can't believe you did."

"It wasn't that hard when your as observant as an ex-spy."

Harry nodded, took the pubs location and bid his goodbyes and told Severus he'd be in contact soon.

Severus nodded and filled up his glass with two more knuckles worth of fire whiskey, leaned back in his chair and slowly drank. "What have you just done?" He asked himself before finishing his glass and leaving.

Her alarm went off, she snoozed it. Ten minutes later, her phone rang. Without even opening her eyes she fumbled around for the stupid little device. Finding it, she flipped it open and brought it to her ear, "WHERE ARE YOU? SAM IS HERE AND IS FLIPPING OUT THAT YOU ARE LATE!" Kaitlyn yelled at her.

"What time is it?"

"Thirty minutes past your shift. He said if you're not here before opening you're fired. I told him you called and told me you'd be late because of your blast from the past. But you need to hurry it up, it's Friday after all."

"Fuck, I'll be there in ten. Promise. I owe you big time Kait!"

"Yes you do. I'll see you soon."

Hermione jumped up, wobbling a little. She put on a deep green tank top that sit just at her belly button, and scooped low on her breast. _Bring in the tips tonight babies._ Then a pair of low cut, frayed shorts, and then her faux combat boots. Finally grabbing her cloak, bag and wand while running out the door. She didn't even bother going to muggle London first, she apparated straight to her spot near the pub. Walking in seeing Sean, she gave a sheepish smile, and said, "how mad is he?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "dono he left right after Kait called you, I think shit is happening at home. He was pissed you weren't here already but oddly nice when he walked out of his office. Bi-polar that man."

Hermione laughed as she walked towards the bar with her cloak resting on her arm, Kaitlyn looked up from setting up the bar for tonights shift. "You owe me so big girl!"

Hermione held up her hand holding one of the vials of cocaine she separated earlier this morning. "Does this make up for it?" She said with a 'I'm sorry' grin. Kaitlyn took it from her hands and smiled back, "Yeah you're good. Grab a case of vodka and whiskey on your way back up. Tonights going to be interesting."

Hermione repeated her movements from yesterday, going to her locker then grabbing the

cases, and walking to the front. Sean let them know it was time to open, and a few suits were already walking their way. Kaitlyn and Hermione both did a few quick pumps from her cross and prepared for the long night they were about to endure.

The night progressed for the two girls, tips came it like usual, customers drank until their livers shut down. All and all it was a normal night, until Hermione was grabbing a lager and she looked up from the beer tap and saw a pair of bright green eyes staring at her in complete and utter shock.

"You need to leave now!" She said quickly to Harry as she passed the lager to Kaitlyn, who was eyeing the man in front of Hermione oddly. Hermione waved her off.

"We haven't seen each other in over a year, and that's the first thing you say to me." Harry responded slightly irritated, but more hurt than anything.

"I'm working right now," She said as she made two whiskey sours, "We close at 2, come back 1:55, I'll let Sean know you're good to come in. But right now, I need you to leave."

He sighed, "Fine, I'll be back in an hour." He said as he looked her over while she was taking more drink orders from a pair of suits at the bar. She waved him off, and started flirting with one of them. Harry walked out, and was in complete shock at Hermione's choice of hiding.

Hermione carried on her night, pushing Harry out of her mind. They called last call, most the men groaned but obliged. Kaitlyn and Hermione rolled their eyes. Right on the dot at 1:55 Harry walked into the pub, Sean nodded his head at him. Most the patrons had already left, the few that didn't were getting ready to leave. Harry sat at the bar his eyes never leaving Hermione.

She walked around picking up glasses and wasted napkins. As the last customer left Sean locked the door and walked over to the bar and sat a few chairs down from Harry. Kaitlyn still looked at him oddly.

"Here Sean, I forgot to give you this." Hermione said as she handed Sean the other glass vile. He nodded his thanks. She looked around the bar and waved her hand and everything was cleaned, and the chairs on the tables. She finally looked at Harry, "I need to go to the back, I'll be right back." He nodded.

She walked to the back, grabbed her cross, did two bumps. When she felt the drugs take hold, she slowly exhaled and walked out. She grabbed two beers and handed one to Harry. Sean and Kaitlyn just sat there quietly as Hermione handed the man a beer.

"Why are you here, Harry?" She asked as she took a sip of her beer.

"I've missed you. don't you miss any of us?"

"Yes, I do, but I am dealing with things on my own, how I want to. Why couldn't you have respected that?"

Harry starred flabbergasted at how quickly Hermione could dismiss seeing him after so long. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay, I've been searching for you since you disappeared after Australia."

"Searching for me? Is that why Snape showed up here randomly, and then again at my flat? You went to him to find me, didn't you?" Hermione's blood started to boil. Harry starred, mouth agape. "Did it ever occur to you that if I wanted to be in touch I would've stayed in touch? I wouldn't have gone to such extremes to be so impossible to find. For fuck's sake, this is complete bullshit. I don't even have anything else to say. I think you need to leave."

Harry's face went from shocked to hurt in a matter of minutes that it took for her to say all that. Tears threatened the brim of his eyes. "You're like a sister to me, Hermione. I miss you-"

"That's fine, but I need to be on my own for right now. I need to deal with what my life is on my own. I have always known how to find all of you, if I ever felt the need to find you, I would've. Now please leave." Hermione said cutting him off.

Tears slowly slipped from his eyes and down his cheeks. "Okay." A hoarse whisper escaped his lips. "I'm sorry." He pushed himself from the bar stool and made his way to the door. Looking back one time at Hermione, and leaving the pub.

Hermione chucked her beer bottle into the wall. Kaitlyn and Sean flinched. "I need to leave. Sean I'll see you Sunday. Goodnight guys." She said while waving her wand at the mess she made from rage.

Hermione left, quickly making her way back to her flat. She got through her door, ripped off her boots, shorts and tank top. She stood their in her bra and lace thong, tears slipped from her eyes, her emotions hitting her with full force. She walked into her bathroom and grabbed a small ceramic holder, opening it up, she pulled a razor blade out of it. Tears slid down faster. She brought the razor to her wrist, and slid it across. Bright red blood oozed out of the fresh slice. She repeated the action two more times, then took the razor to her outer thigh and repeated the same action on her thigh like her wrist. More blood slid out, as did tears. Placing the blade back in the ceramic holder, she walked into her bedroom, grabbed a white v-neck tee and walked to her living room. She sat on her couch, and accio'd her foil set up to her. Putting the straw in her mouth, she took the lighter and lit underneath the tar that sat in the foil. Inhaling the vapors until her lungs couldn't suck anymore in. Exhaling her emotions finally got pushed back into their special box of her mind. She leaned back on her couch, enjoying her high.

 _Knock, knock, knock._ Hermione rolled her eyes, having a feeling who was at her door. She opened it up, "What do you want Snape?"

"To check on you, I just spoke to a very distraught Potter." He said eyeing her carefully, taking in the fact that she was in a tee shirt and a lace thong. Then he noticed the blood, and fresh cuts on her thighs and wrist. "You need help." He said looking into her eyes.

She rolled them, flung her door open, and swayed disorientedly into the living room. Severus followed her in, and shut her door. Hermione spun to face him, looked him up and down. She slowly walked to him, he backed up against the door, Hermione continued forward. She stopped at the start of his boots, she looked up at him, eyes hazy from the tar. Swaying slightly, she closed her eyes to try and balance herself out. That didn't help as she started to fall back even more, then strong arms wrapped around her lower and upper back, bringing them to the owners chest. Hermione smelled in his sent again, her body shuddered. Severus leaned his head down to her ear, "you need help, Hermione." Tears escaped her eyes, she openly sobbed right there in his arms. "Let me help you Hermione." She shook her head no. Then she looked up at him, and without thinking she snaked her arms around his neck, and kissed his lips. Severus's eyes went wide and for a few seconds he was stunned. He slowly pushed her back, she looked up at him confused, hurt, and then rage. "You're high, you're not in the right mind!"

"No, I am in the correct mind." She said as she pulled away and walked to grab her cross. She pulled out the little spoon brought it to her nose and snorted two bumps. "See, all good."

"Really, 'all good'? Then explain the cuts, the lack of you even giving a single fuck about anything?" he said back to her, his own anger boiling.

"I'm fucking coping Severus, It's how I fucking cope!" She yelled back. Staring at him across the living room, hands on her hips, nostrils flaring.

"Oh, bull shit, this is not coping! You're suppressing." He yelled while slowly walking towards her. "Just ask for help, you're better than this, Hermione." He said softly, trying to show true concern.

"You don't know me, all I have ever been to you was a buck-tooth, bushy haired, insufferable know-it-all!" She spit back at him.

He stopped, and flinched as if he had been struck. He looked down. "I'm sorry, you know that's not true. The war had a lot of faces."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "This conversation is over Severus, I'd like to go to bed. You need to leave." Her emotions were a wreck tonight, and Severus was bringing out everything she worked so hard to suppress.

He looked at her for a second, "can we meet up, maybe for dinner next week?"

"I don't know, maybe."

"I'll owl you."

"Okay." She whispered as she looked down a the floor. He walked up to her, and lifted her chin up with two fingers.

"For the record, I think you are beautiful." He said, and leaned down and placed a featherlight kiss on her cheek. She blinked a few tears from her eyes, while he backed away and slipped out of the flat.


End file.
